“OH MY GAUD-Y.” “Like my mother-in-law’s condo, just more frilly.” “A plain faux French pizza palace.” “UNITED STATES OF GENERICA.” The commenters over at Curbed LA are a little more belligerent than usual in their assessment of the ultra beige, though still unambiguously nice (French pizza palace? now what does that even mean?) digs of L.A. hero and Lakers star Kobe Bryant. He and his wife Vanessa are unloading the gated, palm tree’d McMansion (a spare—he’s got a second one nearby) in Orange County they bought in 2001, asking$8.599M for four bedrooms and a pool that looks like it belongs at a Vegas hotel (and that, believe it or not, is a compliment). Also included? A hair salon, a theater (with lobby and wet bar), an 850-square-foot gym, and—cruelly not pictured—a library with a shark tank in it. Because, really, is a library without sharks really a library at all?